Seven months ago, I suffered severe injuries in a bicycle crash that was not my fault. The injuries I received were significant. After the injuries, I was hospitalized for five days and spent another eleven days in a rehab hospital, learning the skills necessary to continue my healing and recovery at home. I was wheelchair-bound for three months- under doctor's orders for no weight bearing on one of my legs. I was under a similar restriction for one of my arms. Since then, I have had to do two to three hours of physical therapy every day. In the course of recovering from these physical injuries, I learned some pretty profound things about getting well that certainly extend to the concept of getting well from spiritual abuse. (Because there are legal actions still pending, I can't say any more than this.)
A lot of the attention in addressing spiritual abuse goes to identifying it and understanding it. And certainly that is a need!. The "Spiritual Recovery" section of The Barnabas Ministry website discusses various aspects of this.
But not nearly enough energy goes into addressing how to get well from the experience. If we aren't careful, the whole "recovery" from spiritual abuse can become an endless cycle of repeating stories and damages from the abuse. Those who have been abused have to break out of that cycle to actually recover, to "be well."
We live in a culture that encourages and even elevates victimhood (often as a passive-aggressive way to attack others). As a result, people often look for ways in which they have been "victimized." They can expect the attention that often comes from victimhood. Pretty much everyone loves attention, but it's a trap. The sympathetic attention of others will not help you get well.
When we have been injured, it is natural to want others to know our story and our current struggles. But we must be careful not to mope or turn the painful past into our permanent present. There are no bonus points for reliving the trauma over and over. Seeing yourself as a victim can be necessary for a season— to process and understand what happened— but once that understanding comes, it is time to lay the victim mentality down for good. The injury is over, even if memories still surface. Constantly pulling the past into today will not help you heal. You're ready for the next stage.
You may have been a victim of spiritual abuse, but that's not your identity. You're a redeemed child of God, navigating the ups and downs of living in our fallen world towards the holiness God intends for you. Scripture is full of stories of those who suffered unjust pains but nevertheless saw those hardships as a mere waypoint along the path towards God's greater plans. For example, Joseph:
Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Please come closer to me.” And they came closer. And he said, “I am your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt. (Exodus 45:4-8 NASB)
Likewise, the apostle Paul was able to see how his hardships (including mistreatment from others in the church!) shaped his character. He even was able to share about these as a way to prove to others he had their best interests at heart (2 Corinthians 11:21-29).
Spiritual abuse has offenders. Both individuals and entire systems or church structures can be guilty. Once we realize we've been abused, we want justice. We want the offender to know and understand what they have done, and to repent. We want unhealthy systems to change. We want the mistreatment and damage recognized. We long for justice. We certainly don't want it denied, minimized, swept under the rug, or excused.
But hear this: Justice being brought to the offender will not make you well. That justice may not ever come in this lifetime. Justice will not come from man but from God:
Many seek the ruler’s favor,
But justice for man comes from the Lord. (Proverbs 29:26 NASB)
As hard as it is- forgive the offenders, trust God to bring about justice, and move on. Let God be in the justice business; get yourself into the getting-well and "getting on with your life" business. As Jesus said of those who crucified him:
But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34 NASB)
and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; (1 Peter 2:23 NASB)
In the case of my injuries, the authorities could throw the book at the person who injured me and sentence them to the maximum sentence under law. It might be somewhat gratifying as a way of acknowledging the injuries were done. But it will not make me well.
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean instant warm feelings or immediate reconciliation. For many, it begins as a repeated decision to entrust the offender and the injustice to God, even while emotions and memories still hurt.
When I was injured, my "world" got really small. All of the things that were part of my "world—" working, daily habits and routines— were changed in an instant. I didn't make it home for fourteen more days, and when I got home I was wheelchair-bound and couldn't do much. Simply changing clothes and going to the bathroom were a major adventure. Everything else that was part of my "world" just became unfeasible and went away. As I started recovering, my world got bigger. I could do more things, even though I started easy. Like making my own breakfast.
I noticed that spiritual injuries have a similar effect. When you suffer a spiritual injury from abuse, your "world" gets smaller. The things that you just can't do anymore due to your trauma— eventually they just sort of stop existing as a possibility in your mind. Your "world" of possibilities gets much smaller. This is an insidious by-product of abuse. But it doesn't have to stay this way!
Part of getting well is letting your "world" get bigger again. But as you get well, your "world" of hopes, dreams, and goals can get bigger. Of course, these are going to be tempered by your experiences and your own individual growth. But having a future you're excited about is part of getting well.
We're probably familiar with the story of Jesus visiting the pool of Bethesda in John 5.
After these things there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
Now in Jerusalem, by the Sheep Gate, there is a pool which in Hebrew is called Bethesda, having five porticoes. In these porticoes lay a multitude of those who were sick, blind, limping, or paralyzed. Now a man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. Jesus, upon seeing this man lying there and knowing that he had already been in that condition for a long time, said to him, “Do you want to get well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, pick up your pallet and walk.” Immediately the man became well, and picked up his pallet and began to walk. (John 5:1-9 NASB)
It's curious that Jesus asked the person if he wanted to get well. (The astute Bible student will recall Jesus asking questions like this in other places.) When Jesus asks a question like this, he's not looking information he doesn't already know. The question gives the person a chance to answer, to confess his faith or desire. The act of answering gives him agency and ownership over what is about to happen.
Interestingly, the man answers not with a yes or no, but with a tale of frustration that undoubtedly had played out numerous times in his experience. Sometimes I've heard teachers say this answer was just excuse-making. But the fact that the man was still there, still trying after so many failures, shows that yes, he wanted to get well. Things out of his control prevented it. Jesus then healed the man. He went from being a victim to an overcomer.
It used to irritate me when people would use this question, "Do you want to get well" to address those hurting from various things. I can attest that when you're all smashed up from an injury, it is absurd to act as though your desire to get well is the problem. And that's how this question can seem. You didn't ask for the injuries; your condition isn't because you "don't want to get well." It's because somebody injured you.
The same is true for those suffering from spiritual abuse (or some other significant loss or hardship for that matter). So if you're going to ask somebody the question, "Do you want to get well," you should have a pretty good appreciation for what's gone on in somebody's life that brought them into this present condition of despair. Asking this question doesn't absolve you from caring about the pain people are in. That's a prerequisite for anything else that may follow.
When you're injured, there is a place for focusing on the past (what happened) and trying to make sense of it all. There's value in that. But all of the understanding in the world won't help you get well. All of the empathy from others won't help you get well. To get well, you have to turn the page and focus on the future. Focus on getting well. Focus on being the healthy Christian that you want to be, the one that God made you to be.
When I was working through physical rehabilitation after my injuries, my objective was to get well. It was self-evident my actions and focus had to reflect that objective. Energy given to the past (the traumatic incident, feeling sorry for myself for my injured condition, anger towards the perpetrator, questions of "why did this happen" and more) was energy taken away from me getting well. I had to be focused on recovery, relying on God for healing, and doing my daily rehabilitation exercises faithfully and consistently. I had to plan on being well and thus do the things needed day by day to get there. If I didn't do that, I would never be well.
Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed. (Hebrews 12:12-13 NASB)
It's not our physical hands and knees the Hebrew writer is talking about (see the context) but the analogy is great! Take that which is weak and make it stronger just as you would weak body parts. Targeted and focused. Suitable exercise and training. Little by little if necessary, but consistently.
Please understand: I am not blaming the victim for their condition. I am liberating the victim from wasting time and energy on fine-sounding things that in the end cannot make them well.
In the process of getting well, discouragement can stop the process dead in its tracks. Because getting well takes time, that's a fertile field for discouragement to grow. Even as I write this, my crash was more than seven months ago. I am still doing physical therapy exercises for one to three hours daily. I am not 100% recovered. So you have to fight discouragement with weapons that will get you through the long haul of recovery. I found that I was able to combat discouragement with a few key things.
Eventually, I could start healing. For example, I could stand up. I could walk. I could put a jacket on using my injured arm. I could take walks and resume bike rides. I could do household chores and tasks. Those things all took time. But they happened!
I've mentioned how important my physical therapists were at helping me recover. They took the time to assess my injuries, capabilities, and limitations. They were able to come up with exercises that were just right for what I could do at the time. As I progressed, they were able to adjust my exercise program to keep me improving.
Anybody who has suffered damage from spiritual abuse could use a spiritual therapist. It could be a counselor, a trusted minister, a trusted friend or family member. They don't have to have been a victim of spiritual abuse (though it might help). But somebody you can confide in and talk about your condition with on a regular basis can help a lot. They can help you process the losses associated with your experiences, help you sort out numerous complex issues in the healing process. They can help you craft your "recovery plan" to help you get well, step by step.
The Barnabas Ministry articles Finding a Counselor and Leaving an Unhealthy Church and the Grief Process talk about the dynamics of this process and are recommended in addition to this article.
So how do we apply this to getting well from spiritual abuse? I wish I had all of the answers. I don't. But I have some ideas from my experiences that I think will help.
Maybe a lot of time depending upon the individual and the circumstances. I'd be prepared for years. But don't be discouraged by that. You can get well.
As I started with extremely gentle and even assisted movements for various injured body parts, you have to start doing spiritually faithful things. Part of your plan can be looking for things that are unlikely to re-trigger your trauma. You might have to stay away from church meetings for a while. Hopefully not for a long time. But time enough to heal. Similarly, things like Bible reading and prayer- you'll want to get back to these without the past trauma ruining them.
Your plan might include something as simple as reading the Bible for five minutes a day without thinking about the abuse experience. Or simply praying the "Lord's Prayer" (Matthew 6:9-13) daily. It might be visiting a church service once a quarter and just trying not to freak out. It might take you weeks or months to do things without flashing back to the abuse all the time. But do not quit. The "well" part of your spiritual life can get back to doing healthy spiritual things without the trauma of the abuse hanging over your head. But it might take a lot of practice.
One more thing about "recovery plans." While you have to put consistent effort towards it, the exact details of the plan will change as you heal and grow. As I healed and got stronger from my physical injuries, the exercises I needed to do also changed. My physical therapists were able to identify exercises that were "just right" for where my body was all along the way. As I grew and healed, I could phase out certain exercises and add others that I was now able to do. Or in other cases, I could increase the weight resistance to build strength as the healing progressed. And of course, there were some things that I wasn't quite ready for at the time, and would have to defer working on those until a later time.
Similarly, a spiritual recovery plan can change as you heal and grow. As you heal, you can do more. But be careful not to overdo it- the key to a good plan is gradual, consistent effort in the right direction. And of course- if you have someone who can help as a "spiritual therapist," they can help you with your recovery plan.
Once you get involved with a new church group, pray for God to guide you along the way. Be really careful. You're going to be evaluating everything in sight. Try not to let that consume you. Reserve judgment. Look for the good things you can learn from or that are upbuilding. Take note of things that are troubling, but don't overreact to them. No church is perfect. Focus on healing and learning about God, perhaps in ways you're not used to. Ease your way into it!
If you get in an uncomfortable spot, disengage gracefully and try again another time. The objective is to make progress in healing, not to inflict more pain upon yourself.
Try to do the right things. Listen a lot, be observant but not detached. You can't totally erase traumatic memories; they are part of who you are but not all of who you are. Get to know people and seek to be an encouragement to others; this will result in both you and others built up without any drama.
The generous man will be prosperous,
And he who waters will himself be watered. (Proverbs 11:25 NASB)
It's ok to tell your story but keep it simple; now isn't the time for a lot of details. Remember there was both good and bad in the previous experiences. People understand that churches have their quirks and you can just say "things didn't work out like I hoped they would." Don't drop heavy abuse elements in casual conversation with people you're just getting to know. You're trying to get well- so don't let your past experiences define the "new you." Turn the page, and see where it leads.
Before you were a victim of spiritual abuse, you had an idea of what God had in mind in calling you into a relationship with him. Chances are the abuse experience has changed that quite a bit. But take heart- God uses things big and small to guide and direct us. Physical trauma and spiritual trauma both qualify as the sort of thing He might use to guide you. What your future looks like is something you'll have to wrestle with Him about. Whether the changes are big or small, we can be sure that this experience is something God intends to use for good in your life. He always leads us "in triumph in Christ" (ref. 2 Corinthians 2:14 NASB). God indeed has a future in mind for you, the abuse experience is not the end of the road by any means. It can be somewhat frightening to go into the unknown, but perhaps it's a good reminder that we aren't really in control of our lives anyway!
The mind of man plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps. (Proverbs 16:9 NASB)
The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread.
All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing. (Psalm 37:23-26 NASB)
For You have saved my soul from death,
Indeed my feet from stumbling,
So that I may walk before God
In the light of the living. (Psalm 56:13 NASB)
Getting well means leaving behind a painful season of your life and embracing the next phase of your life. Being older, wiser, and tempered by the experience, to be sure. Perhaps cautiously stepping into new things. But ready to go on. Being restored to God in a healed sort of way. Being able to do basic spiritual things without them being tainted by the past abuse. Being able to dream and pursue goals. Walking with God step by step into the next chapter of your life!